Friday, June 22, 2012

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (Busby's Review)

Every once in a while, there comes a movie that legitimately pisses me off.  I really HATE movies that tend to fuck with my intelligence and takes me for a fucking idiot.  Now I KNOW I put this movie as one my most anticipated movies of the summer.  And giving the title, I should have just KNOWN better.  I mean the title just sums it up, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, I mean seriously the title of the movie sums it up!  Our 16th President of the United States of America was a vampire slayer on the low, go fucking figure.  Now when I saw the poster for it a few months back I just shook my fucking head, like seriously? Has fucking Hollywood got THIS low? Like have they just ran out of ideas? Are they really THAT desperate to make money? All of that was going into my mind until I saw that Tim Burton was producing it.  Knowing Tim Burton, he would never attach himself to a project unless he truly believes in it.  I mean shit Quentin Tarantino re-wrote history when he did Inglorious Bastards.  So I thought to myself, "How bad can it be?" Boy was I in for a rude awaking..

The story is like this, apparently the night when Lincoln (Benjamin Walker) and his wife Mary (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) went to the Ford's Theatre, he gave his "secret" journal to his loyal friend Henry Sturges (Dominc Cooper).  In the journal, it chronicles how Lincoln lived a secret life of being a slayer after he witnessed his mother killed by a vampire. Through out the movie, Lincoln is hunting Adam, the leader of the vampires (Rufus Sewell), who is trying to take over the United States. Lincoln goes into politics to cover his tracks, so nobody will know that he is a slayer, which also leads him to becoming our President.  That is pretty much the movie in a nutshell....

I KNOW this movie was suppose to take place in a alternate universe, but for me to believe that Abraham Lincoln was a super human vampire slayer is fucking laughable as hell.  There were certain scenes in the movie where I was literally yelling "Really?".  I mean seriously, they were making Honest Abe look like a honest ass kicker.  If I can say one good thing about this movie, I will say that the special effects and the fight scenes was cool, but that's where it stops.  Everything from the acting, to the plot, to the cameo from other historical figures (seriously your gonna have a good laugh when you see who it is), is just fucking laughable.  You REALLY couldn't take this movie serious, at ALL!  I mean seriously, there came a point in the movie where I literally just yelled, "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THIS BULLSHIT!" and instead of the audience telling me to be quiet, they laughed and clapped.  Apparently they were thinking the very same shit..

The other thing that just blew my fucking mind was the fact that even through Abe had ALL those skills to kill a vampire.  The dude didn't have the skills to dodge a fucking bullet from a fucking hand gun!  It wasn't even a vampire that shot him, it was a fucking human!  For a hour and 45 min we saw Lincoln cut down a tree with a single swing from his axe.  We saw him do a bunch of karate moves to vampires, we saw him jump from a train that was being destroyed from a burning railroad track.  He was doing a whole bunch of shit that would even make Buffy jealous.  And you trying to tell me he didn't have a sixth sense to know that somebody was behind him with a fucking GUN?!?! Are you fucking serious bro?!?! 

I fucking lost for watching this piece of shit, everybody tried to telling me that this movie was going to be shit.  But like a dumb ass I didn't listen, I just had to learn my lesson on my own, fuck you Hollywood.  I wonder what historical figure Hollywood is gonna make into an action star next? Martin Luther King: Zombie Killer? Malcolm X-Men? JFK: 007? Nat Turner: Whitey Killer? Well the last one sounds like a good idea, but you get my drift.

Just avoid this movie at ALL cost, matter a fact wait for it to come on FX.  Don't even waste your money on this. I literally lost for spending money on this stupid ass movie.  There is not enough fucks to say about this movie.  I fucking hated it...

Busby's Review: 1/5

~~Mr. Busby~~

1 comment:

  1. The premise is ridiculous, but so is this movie and that's what makes it a lot of fun. Still, could have been a whole lot crazier like I was expecting. Good review Aaron.